***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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