wrigley field is MILF paradise
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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