I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
