Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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