So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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