You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
