I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
