I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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