You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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