moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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