i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
