that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
