I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
last night I used snow as a chaser
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
