Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize