I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
