I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize