I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
