I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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