I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
