Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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