she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you will always have a special place in my vag
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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