when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
