I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
