Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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