but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
