wakey wakey hands off snakey
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
