It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
