I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
