"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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