I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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