he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
