like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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