here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
