I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
