she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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