Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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