i just wanna soil my oats bro
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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