I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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