soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
