Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
