Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We smell like vodka and hangover
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
