I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
