I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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