Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
