Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
