dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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