I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
