I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
