how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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