Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
