Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
