Don't you send me to vm
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
