I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
