hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
