Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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