I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize