i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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