I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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