there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
