he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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