I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize