On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
