Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
