I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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